A Functioning Cog
by GirHugs
Summary: (Songfic, three-part character study) Tony doesn't care about being unique. He just wants to belong.
1. Special Little Boy

**Disclaimer: Iron Man owned by Marvel.**

**A/N: Inspired by and title taken from the song 'Helplessness Blues' by Fleet Foxes  
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Even at a young age, Tony knows that he is unique…_special_.

His father tells him he is a _Stark_. And being a Stark means that greatness is _expected_ of him. But Tony soon learns that it isn't possible to make his father proud. No matter how intelligent and charming and _special_ Tony makes himself, he can never live up to the Stark Standard.

His mother, in those rare sober moments of hers, will pull him into her arms and whisper about how he is her 'special little boy.' But then she goes back to her drinks and her pills and Tony wonders why he isn't special _enough_ to keep her there with him, clean and lucid.

Jarvis, his parental-substitute, tries to ease Howard's rejections by telling Tony that his father just doesn't know how to cope with such a unique and special child. And though Tony knows Jarvis means well, is just trying to make him happy, he can't help the way his stomach churns in disgust at those words.

His uniqueness isn't enough to earn his parents' love, but it is enough to win everyone else's scorn.

Teachers criticize his 'arrogant intelligence.' Peers sneer at the 'freak.' The media, in that rabid and shallow way it does, alternately praise or berate the 'Stark prodigy.'

While many people strive to be unique, prize their individuality above all else, they forget that the commonalities are how connections are made. The fact that Tony is so unique just means that he is also very much _alone_. No one can – or wants to – connect with such a 'special little boy.'

So yes, Tony Stark learns very early on just how special he is…he also learns to _hate_ that little fact. He doesn't want to be unique; he wants to _belong_ – to someone or something, it doesn't matter.

Tony just wants to be a part of something.


	2. Still Searching

**Disclaimer: Iron Man property of Marvel.**

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Being captured and held hostage is a…revelation.

When Tony's eyes register the 'Stark Industries' label plastered across boxes upon boxes of weapons and ammunition, a shock goes through his system. He feels as if he's just been plunged into icy, cold water – and oh, how intimately familiar he'll become with that feeling over the few next weeks – because he had thought, stupidly, that he'd been helping the world.

He hadn't been lying to that reporter; he's proud of his accomplishments as the head of SI. There's a good and bad side to everything. War is almost a constant state of being for humans and if Tony can help make sure a few more American soldiers – a few more _Rhodeys_ – make it back safe and sound, then Tony is okay with having blood on his hands.

…Or at least, he thought he was, back when he thought he knew _whose_ blood it was on his hands.

Now…

Seeing those weapons – _his_ weapons – in the hands of the _enemy_, it makes him feel sick. His life's work has just been made into one gigantic, mindfuck of a joke and Tony gets set adrift. His purpose – his something bigger – just turned out to be a huge fucking _lie_ and he doesn't know what to do. At first, he's too shell-shocked to do anything except antagonize and refuse his captors. But then…

If Tony had been alone, he may have just given up, not in, _never_ in. But it isn't him – he's too _special_ – that they threaten to kill. It's Yinsen. And suddenly Tony has a new purpose.

Keep Yinsen alive.

It's a small, but vastly important, goal and it's what lets Tony keep his sanity as he works on their escape. He ignores the fucking ache in his chest, the wheezing rasp of his lungs, and he _works_. And after weeks of stale meals, dirty water, and sleepless nights, it's done.

The suit is ready but the timing of their escape gets completely thrown off and everything is totally FUBAR and Tony fails.

He _fails_ and Yinsen _dies_.

And the only reason Tony even survives, the only reason he doesn't just let the Afghani desert consume his body, is because he has mistakes to atone for. Those were his weapons in the hands of the enemy and that makes it _his_ responsibility to stop them.

So he makes it home and he eats his cheeseburger and he stops weapons production at SI and he begins anew. He builds a new suit and he goes out and atones.

He's finally feeling alive again, feels like he's finally doing something _good_…

And then Obie goes and rips out his heart.

His mentor, his supposed friend, rips out his heart and tells him that all he's worth is a few good ideas. The Arc Reactor just happens to be the last good idea that Tony –his _special_, golden goose – has to offer.

And once more, Tony finds himself in a position to give up but he _can't_. Because of Pepper…

Keep Pepper Alive.

Another goal, another purpose, and this time Tony _refuses_ to fail.

Thank the god he doesn't believe in, he succeeds. He kills Obie – because he's come to accept that his hands are forever going to be stained red – and saves Pepper.

There's a good and bad side to everything, and the suit can help tip the scale in favor of the good…so Iron Man has a purpose.

…Tony Stark is still trying to find his.


End file.
